Forgiveness: Choosing to Be Changed

For much of my life, I misunderstood forgiveness.

I thought that if I had truly forgiven someone, I wouldn’t keep getting angry about what happened. So, when the same hurt came back to mind, and I felt that anger all over again, I took it as a sign that I had failed. I would find myself thinking, I thought I had forgiven this. Why am I still angry?

I didn’t realize that feeling angry again didn’t necessarily mean I hadn’t forgiven. I was measuring my forgiveness by whether the feeling had gone away, rather than by what I chose to do when the feeling returned.

That distinction changed the way I think about forgiveness.

I can acknowledge that something hurt me, admit that I am angry about it, and recognize that what happened was unfair. None of those things automatically mean I have failed at forgiveness.

The question is: What do I do next?

Do I let anger dictate how I treat someone? Do I keep feeding the resentment, replaying the situation, or looking for ways to make the other person feel the hurt I felt? Or, can I acknowledge my anger without allowing it to make my decisions for me?

I am learning that forgiveness is not about never feeling angry again. It is about choosing what I do with that anger.

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A New Look on Mercy and Grace

As I have reflected on this, I have started thinking about forgiveness, mercy, and grace in a different way.

Mercy, to me, is the act of withholding maliciousness because of anger. It is choosing not to let the anger I feel turn into a desire to hurt someone in return. I may believe someone treated me unfairly or still feel angry about it. However, I can choose not to respond with the intention of causing them pain.

Grace is undeserved kindness. It is choosing to offer kindness even when someone has not earned it or done anything to deserve it. Forgiveness is the choice not to give someone what they deserve and instead give them what they do not. Forgiveness is choosing to express grace and mercy when my hurt, anger, or brokenness might lead me to respond differently.

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What Forgiveness Means to Me

To me, forgiveness is choosing to act like Jesus instead of acting out of my brokenness.

That doesn’t mean the hurt disappears or that the choice is always easy. It means that I can recognize the hurt without allowing it to dictate the kind of person I become. I can choose a response that reflects what I believe, even when my feelings have not caught up with that choice.

Ephesians 4:31–32 calls us to put away bitterness, anger, and malice and to be kind, compassionate, and forgiving toward one another, just as God forgave us through Christ. I find this challenging because it asks me to consider not only what someone else has done, but also how I want to respond.

I cannot control another person’s choices, as I cannot force someone to understand my pain, apologize, or make things right. What I can do is take responsibility for my own response. I can choose not to let another person’s actions determine whether I respond with kindness or cruelty, mercy or retaliation.

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A Choice We May Have to Make More Than Once

One of the most important things I am learning is that forgiveness can be repetitive.

I may make the choice to forgive someone and genuinely mean it. Then, days, weeks, or even years later, something reminds me of what happened. The anger returns, the hurt resurfaces, and I have to decide what I am going to do with those feelings again.

That does not automatically mean I failed the first time.

Sometimes, the choice to forgive is not a single moment that makes every difficult feeling disappear. Rather, it is a decision we return to whenever the hurt resurfaces. We acknowledge what we feel, remind ourselves of the person we want to be, and choose how we will respond.

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What is Forgiveness Not?

I want to be clear that forgiveness does not mean accepting abuse, remaining in an unsafe situation, or allowing someone to continue harming us. We can forgive and still set boundaries, show mercy without removing accountability, or offer grace without restoring trust before trust has been rebuilt. We can also forgive someone without reconciling with them.

Forgiveness is not permission for someone to hurt us again. It is a choice about how we respond to the hurt that has already happened.

For me, that distinction is freeing. I no longer have to interpret every returning feeling of anger as evidence that I have failed. Instead, I can see it as an opportunity to practice what I am learning.

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Choosing a Different Response

There is also a connection here to what we explore in counseling. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we look at the relationship between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. We may not be able to control every thought or emotion that comes up, but we can learn to recognize our patterns and practice responding differently.

When I feel angry, I have a choice. I can allow that anger to guide my actions, or I can pause and consider whether the response I want to give reflects the person I want to be.

That does not mean I have to pretend I am not angry. It means I do not have to let my anger make every decision for me.

The more I practice responding with mercy and grace, the more I create opportunities to respond differently in the future. As a Christian, I believe God is at work in that process. Romans 12:2 speaks about being transformed by the renewing of our minds. I believe God uses these moments to shape us, challenge us, and help us become more like Jesus.

I do not believe we have to earn God’s love by forgiving perfectly. Rather, I want the grace I have received from Him to influence the grace I extend to others. I want my faith to shape my response, especially when responding with kindness is difficult.

This is where forgiveness becomes more than something we do for another person. It helps shape who we are.

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Choosing Change

I am still learning to choose change. I will probably have moments when an old hurt comes back and I feel angry again. The difference is that I am beginning to understand that I do not have to see that anger as evidence of failure. Rather, I can acknowledge it, work through it, and choose what I do with it.

I can recognize when someone has treated me unfairly without seeking revenge, maintain boundaries without becoming malicious, and want accountability without retaliating. 

I cannot change what someone else chose to do, I cannot make someone apologize or understand the pain they caused, and I cannot promise that I will never feel angry about it again.

So, I am choosing change, not because the hurt did not matter or because the other person deserves my kindness. I acknowledge forgiveness is hard, and I am choosing change because I do not want someone else’s choices to determine the person I become. Instead, I want to allow God to continue shaping my heart and teaching me to respond with the love, mercy, and grace He has shown me.

Maybe forgiveness is not proven by the absence of anger, but it is practiced in the moments when the anger returns, and we choose not to let it lead us.

For me, that is what forgiveness means: choosing grace and mercy, again and again, and choosing to become more like Jesus in the process.

Written by Kacie Moss, LPCA